


Childhood Glimpses of Pornography

by demonista



Series: The Making of Brendon Urie [1]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Consensual Underage Sex, Curiousity, F/M, Female Masturbation, Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, Religious Guilt, orgasming before being able to ejaculate, pornography use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 21:50:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11953338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonista/pseuds/demonista
Summary: Part of a larger series about the adolescence and adulthood of Brendon focusing on sexuality. This part is a stand alone, going into some detail about pornography consumption, masturbation, developing attractions to both sexes, wondering about female masturbation, etc at the age of 12. I felt bad about writing the underage sections, but this is based in significant part on his own words about his childhood. Title is from the Manic Street Preachers' Life Becoming a Landslide. I was tempted to go with the Build God Then We'll Talk line "What a wonderful caricature of intimacy," but couldn't decide on which. I'm open to suggestions on the larger title and this title





	Childhood Glimpses of Pornography

Brendon first came across porn at 12. He was yahoo searching masturbation on the living room computer after midnight, and found these pictures of a woman touching herself. She has fake nails, and he wonders if the nails hurt her because they seem to dig into her pink flesh, and she puts them inside her (vagina, his brain supplies), but he still feels the punch of arousal--getting this really hot feeling, all over, and this throbbing in his penis. He thinks he shouldn't touch himself, but is itching to. He's heard guys talk about "jerking off" or "rubbing one out" but has never done that to himself, yet, wondering if what people said about it was true, hence the yahoo search.

It wouldn't really count as touching himself--defiling himself with his hand, committing the sin of Onan--if he only strokes himself through his clothes, he rationalizes. So he does, getting hotter, feeling harder there, through his sweat shorts. He notices his breath coming fast and hard, trying to keep quiet. His parents and siblings are sleeping upstairs and he'd die of embarrassment if someone came down. 

He reaches a peak--it just builds until it bursts, gets so warm and throbbing, pleasure washing over him, but doesn't ejaculate so isn't sure whether he "came"--he knew guys... jizzed, spurted stuff, when they came; the older boys had told him. 

He's still scared someone will come downstairs somehow knowing what he's doing to himself, what he's looking at, but wants to continue. He remembers guys joking about deleting their browser history, so he does before turning the computer off. He goes to the main floor bathroom, keeps on touching through his sweats, and he keeps feeling better and better until he peaks two more times. He keeps rubbing after that, but it feels more and more chafed, and starts to hurt, so he stops.

After that, Brendon starts thinking about girls and women doing it, wondering if any girls he knows masturbate, or if that's only something some women do. He's never heard girls talking about it, wonders how they do it--there's different ways, do they put their fingers inside, or rub the outside, or what--what felt best to them? Can they actually come from it? Do they need to use a dildo like he heard a couple guys talking about one time? He finds himself thinking about different possibilities when he's jerking off: girls he likes touching themselves...there, and it gets him crazy. 

He had since seen other porn--some of the women used dildos, some even used vibrators, which came in different shapes: some looked like penises or projectiles like the dildos, some like bullets, some even like small animals. Other women used their fingers, or whole hand, like fingers inside while their palm rubbed the flesh outside. Some women seemed so bored, just going through the motions, others got so loud in the video clips he saw (he listened with one headphone, the other ear free to listen out for creeping family members), panting and moaning a lot, like they couldn't stop--that meant they were really turned on, and coming, right? Others weren't so loud, more breathing heavy, bodies shaking. It was confusing enough with the videos, even more difficult to tell with the pictures. But still usually really sexy. Even when the women didn't seem into it, or were so moany, or the moaning maybe was all show, it just didn't seem possible it was real--but how would he know anyway--it still turned him on. Same with the other stuff, the girls with girls, and girls with guys.

He wants to know about it, girls masturbating, so bad he even briefly considers asking his mom or sisters, but that would be so awkward it defies words, even though his mom had said to him he could come to her if he had any questions, about anything, implying the anything was questions around the birds and the bees. He knows Kara and Kyla have pictures of bands and singers on their wall, like Weezer for Kara, and younger boybands like 'NSync for Kyla. Kara likes Rivers Cuomo; he caught her kissing a poster of him, while she pressed herself against the wall it was on just last year. She got so flustered, telling him not to tell anyone, or he'd regret it, and what the heck was he doing, not knocking and getting her permission before coming in? Did he want a charley horse or wedgie? He ran as soon as he got the chance after she laid into him with those words.

Meanwhile he still hadn't jizzed himself, even after he worked up the nerve to jerk off like the saying implied, many times, and he's wondering if he's doing something wrong. Guys made it sound so easy. But how did they actually do it, make themselves cum?

Another time online late at night, he searches "boy girl masturbate" and finds a girl and two guys masturbating themselves on a bed. Oh, wow. Unlike a lot of the other videos, she didn't have heels, just socks and barely any make up. The guys looked young too, slim, not super buff and huge dicked like in most of the other porn he'd seen (though they were still a lot bigger than he was, let's be honest). He decided to brave actually touching himself again, undoing his pants, and pulling his briefs down. Oh god, he'd die if he was caught. 

She was in between them, and she was breathy, but not noisy and whiny sounding like the other women sounded like, and she was moving around, then got still, fingers still going, legs straight, holding her breath. She turned to kiss one, then the other, bringing one guys hand to her, and he was touching her and himself at same time. Brendon couldn't decide what to focus on. The other guy began sucking on her breasts, bucking into his own fist--he was noisy, moaning--weird, usually guys were so quiet, maybe grunting as they came based on what he had seen. The first guy took him by the back of the head, and brought him in for a kiss, and Brendon's hand froze, stopped moving on his dick. This was really bad, wasn't it--like not supposed to happen, period, bad. 

The church banged on about how it was sin, especially between two men. He had been wondering if he believed in god at all, and what he did believe, if anything, of what the church taught, for months now, but even a lot of nonreligious people and other non-mormons generally thought it was wrong, even when they went on about how hot lesbians were--the girly kinds in porn. He heard a particularly arresting moan from the noisy guy, and the arousal shot through him, and his dick jerked, nearly peaking. When he saw why he was moaning like that--oh god, the other guy had his dick in his mouth, and the girl was practically sitting on his face--he did burst, managing to only buck helplessly into his still fist once, wanting to push into it more. Panicked, still catching his breath, he clicked to clear the browser history, clicked the x as fast as he could to close the window, then turned the computer off. He ran upstairs for good measure. Oh god, oh god, oh god. 

This was definitely worse than that Andre music video. Then, he had just wondered about touching his chest, what his muscles would feel like, how low the camera would go--there was no way the camera would show his privates would it? He must be wearing pants, mustn't he? It was more curiosity than something that sent lust through him. But that there, what just happened with that damn video? That was lust, wasn't it. Sin. Not only for a man, but for seeing two men doing things to each other. Oh god, oh god, oh god, he thought, anxiety overtaking him more and more.


End file.
